Supporting the Journey of “We’re Pregnant” for Many More Queer Families
I remember after that phone call we took a very long walk feeling a mix of deep sadness, defeated, confused, grief.
All feelings we felt every time that pregnancy test said “not pregnant” but this time it felt even heavier . . .
This is the intimately lived experience and voice of Morgan Henry-Kerr a stellar human being, creative, community connector, and Queer TTC (trying to conceive) Coach who works with queer couples on their path to parenthood. Morgan is also a proud wife and queer mom from the Pacific Northwest in her peri-menopause and preschool era - (don’t you just love that !) Her partner Tasha and her are devoted parents to their 2-1/2 year daughter Arlo Dixie (and yes I agree she has the most adorable name)
Morgan and I recently reconnected at the Bellingham Birth Collective Birth Fair, Bellingham Washington, she is a force of goodness and perinatal expertise for queer family’s, and as she began to share her and Tasha’s story of:
the first time she REALLY felt “othered” and that the world of fertility really isn’t made to include us as queer people. . .
We wanted a space were we could be seen as our authentic selves and get the real tools with
real conversations we needed to keep going . .
I came to learn about the gapping misses in communication, language, resources, understanding, and family planning within the fertility and reproductive support needs they were seeking!
Like what is an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and where do we go to get one?
Before even doing an IUI which depends on you knowing when you ovulate I had to track my ovulation by taking my temperature everyday for 6 months
Our first IUI and we decided to do it at home. . .
When you do a natural IUI you do one insemination when your temperature drops then the second one 12ish hours later. . .
[however] For the next 5 rounds we still were not pregnant.
We then switched gears and with hesitancy we decided that we would go to a local Fertility Clinic
(mostly because at that point it made sense to move on to a medicated IUI).
We had wanted to avoid this clinic after hearing about how heteronormative and outdated the practice was.
I also did an HSG (Xray test to see if fallopian tubes are open or blocked) with him.
Morgan and I continued to chat about her conception story and the mental, emotional and physical intensity of all the variables, and how she never wanted another queer couple to endure the ‘less than’ and dismissive limitations handed to her choice of growing in love and family with her life partner, she gave me a great big hug and shared she had TTC (Tryed To Conceive) 14 times - 14 TIMES!!!
I am breathless now (as I was then) to even imagine what that devastation and heartache was like; in fact I cannot possibly know, nor do I know how those feelings and experiences might continue to show up for Morgan and Tasha over time!
After doing 14 unsuccessful IUI’s I was told that my AMH test (Indication of ovarian reserve, or how many eggs you have left) was so low that I really shouldn’t have started to get pregnant in the first place.
She said (Reproductive Medicine Consultant) I could try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) but I would hate it and she didn’t have confidence that it would be worth it. She said I know you worked really hard and put everything you had into getting pregnant but I’m sorry I think the end of your pregnancy journey is here.
I didn’t even know what AMH was until that conversation, why didn’t anyone test me for it sooner?
At The Very Best Doulas we work a great deal with family’s who identify in the LGBTQIA + community. We typically meet you on the other side of your conception story, at the intersections of joy & fear, with the promissory of the birthing of parent(s), and a new awe of your partner, the learning of who this little person is and how to navigate the world of postpartum.
We are in your corner for normalizing perinatal mental health, for providing trauma-informed care and leaning into your parenting values while we care for you in recovery, family bonding, and your baby, but who is in your corner rallying your support before we meet ?
*** You might find a safe space in the trials and triumphs of Becoming Parent with IAM_MAMOMHK ***
I wanted to better understand Morgan’s business container of tangible support for queer couples staring thier own journey to parenthood, so we sat down over the internet waves and I asked her:
What are the top 3 pieces of advice you have for queer couples seeking to grow their family?
- Ask your OB/Midwive/Doctor to check your AMH first
- Know that you deserve a path to pregnancy and parenthood that is empowering, efficient, supportive and celebrated!
- Support is here, you are not alone
What is your mission for families in the LGBTQIA community?
I am doing this work to be a champion for other couples/families in my community. So that they are well resourced and truly seen and celebrated for who they are authentically. I created the thing I wish Tasha and I had at the start of our TTC journey. I want to live in a world where we’re not “othered” “dismissed” in the birthing space. Where our default isn't “I’m not safe here” I have to thicken my skin and be someone I’m not in order to navigate the world of fertility.
How might a Labor and/or Postpartum Doula support the new story of families you work with?
It’s more than just adding a place for pronouns on your intake form or putting a rainbow flag on your social media posts in June. That is just a start.
It’s understanding the bigger challenges we face in society, in our everyday lives and the impacts on those things on our mental health in general. Then how that discrimination, hate, violence, not feeling safe impacts pregnancy and labor and the added layer of trauma that could follow one into postpartum.
Ask your clients about the best ways you can serve them instead of making assumptions. Assumptions about their gender, sexuality, family make up.
The Silver Lining For Us . .
Was that my wife also wanted to get pregnant. Although she thought she’d have a couple years to prepare mentally and physically. We took a break through the holidays and in February 2021 she happened to ovulate twice in that same month and got pregnant on the second medicated IUI. She’s got eggs for days apparently! hA! Due to covid protocol that was still in place I wasn’t allowed in the room for either of them. The first one I was pacing up and down Westlake ave in the rain and the second I was face-timing her from the parking garage.
November 15th, 2021 our daughter was born. It was the greatest day of our life!
I am 14x TTC now non-bio mom, I am MAMO
You still deserve the family you want, you are not alone, you got this!
- Sarah Willett